My Journey to Hell and Back - with Problematic Eating…
There was a time when I thought it was not possible to recover from disordered eating. I lived my life in fear and every emotion influenced what I put into my mouth moment to moment. From the age of 5, I struggled with disordered eating. I remember getting to the bus stop at seven years old in the morning on the way to school, and opening my lunch then to see what sweet snacks were there. There was an emotional vacancy that I was trying to fill even at this age. I traded my ham sandwich at lunch time for a package of Jell-O crystals, pure sugar, a perfect solution to take me out of myself, and elixir to soften the emotions I otherwise did not know how to deal with. I grew up in a home with loving parents who wanted the best for me and did the best they could at all times. It wasn't perfect and there was arguing and unavailability and a lack of true intimacy that I grew up watching. Inconsistency and unpredictability were difficult for me and food became the only control I had over my environment and my emotions.
There certainly was a lineage of disordered eating in my home as my mother often dealt with body image issues and and also use food as a means of control. Food was used as love as well. When something went wrong it was often used is a means to make everything okay. The thought in story I created was that if I had the food, I was okay. My father was active and he was my hero so I was very active growing up and played soccer and danced daily. I wanted to look good and also wanted to affirmation from him and so while there were years that I gained weight, sometimes 30 to 40 pounds above average, I would fluctuate to a very low weight by controlling my food intake and exercising excessively. Moving into my late teens my disordered eating took on a new shape. I began eating secretively, binge eating, overeating, and bulimia became an active part of my life. At first exercise bulimia is how I controlled my weight, then eventually realizing that purging could effectively relieve the stress that came after a binge.
For the next several years the problematic eating went through several phases. When I was in relationships sometimes I could control it, or so I thought. I used alcohol and drugs in order to control my eating and would spend every waking moment thinking about my body and how it was going to maintain the image that I felt I needed to. I became so imprisoned in my mind, that I could barely leave my house because the thought of having to eat and what I would eat was so overpowering and debilitating. It affected my personal relationships, my friendships, my ability to work, my motivation to achieve, my self-esteem, a spiritual connection to source, and my sense of well-being in the world. Eventually, after a process of coming to clarity around the need to let go of other intoxicants, I became conscious to the fact that I was killing myself with food – either eating, or avoiding eating. The binges got bigger and more excessive, I was eating out of garbage cans I was sneaking food at friends houses, and was even stealing food. I was completely out of control. I knew that the guilt and shame around my behaviour would kill me if the binges themselves did not.
I knew that I could never have a relationship, with real intimacy, if I continue down the path I was on. Surrender was my only option, and I was finally ready. At 25 years old I began my journey of recovery. It is been nothing short of a miracle that I am completely healed of disordered eating entirely. It is the realization that every human being with disordered eating can also have this miracle in their own lives, that has me leading this program passionately.
By following each step that is outlined in the 12 week program,I was able to heal my disordered eating and now live a life of complete freedom around food. To be a prisoner of food for 20 years, I know deeply the desperation, sadness, fear, and self-loathing that brings one to a place of being open, willing, and ready to heal.
The greatest gratitude in my life is that I reached this point and was ready to do what it takes to be free once and for all. It is with excitement, joy, and a deep knowing that if you are ready and willing to take each step over the next 12 weeks, imperfectly, but willingly, you also will begin your own journey to freedom. I choose what I eat every day, and my body feels better than it ever has. I love myself in a way I never thought possible and it is my deepest desire to facilitate the same healing and others.
I doubt I can convey to you the feeling of the miraculous that I experience as a facilitator, witnessing the before and after in the lives of my clients. To begin to see the light in faces that have been stuck in darkness and loneliness, that only those suffering with disordered eating can truly understand, makes me realize that the term enlightenment is a literal one.
Please share with someone who might benefit and contact me for details around course start dates and online options.